It's a miracle...

I actually ovulated! and on CD 16! My fingers will be permanently crossed until Christmas Eve. I will say though, that I will not be attempting another unmonitored Clomid cycle if this one fails. Ovulating on Clomid was so painful, I was not prepared for it at all. I am worried that I have a cyst on my right ovary because it is so tender.

 Dh is going to the RE for a trial wash this week too...it will be interesting to hear the results of that. 

Finally moving on!

AF thankfully arrived last week so I am officially on CD 6 of my first Clomid cycle. I ovulate at around day 14, testing day will be around Christmas Eve. I am praying this work...I can't imagine a better Christmas present! My due date would be September 3rd, which is our 4th wedding anniversary, which I am taking as a good sign! 

So far, I haven't had any real side affects with taking Clomid, which is wonderful. Dh is quite worried about the "Clomid Crazies" Trust me, I am crazy enough as it is. 

In other news, the RE's office called on CD 2 and asked me to go in for a HSG before I came to see them. My appointment is scheduled for Friday and I am a tiny bit nervous. I really should not have read the horror stories about how much it hurts. I have to go back to work right away after, so hopefully it is not too bad. 

I am just really ready for this to be over! I have been feeling more positive lately, I guess since things are actually moving along now. I also stopped drinking during the week (no more wine with dinner!) and am exercising instead. I am 2 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight with our DD, but my body is flabby and I am hoping if I tone it up, I will have an easier pregnancy. Either way, it seems to be improving my mood, which is a welcome change. 

Waiting for AF...

I took my last BCP pill on Sunday night and I am now anxiously awaiting AF so that we can give Clomid a shot. I called my OB back and he faxed my referral papers over to the RE last week. They haven't called me back yet with an appointment time but I am assuming that I will be going in January. Hopefully by then I will have a better idea of whether or not I ovulate on Clomid and DH will also have time to do another SA. I am praying that AF actually arrives this time! 

So much has happened in the last few weeks but I feel like we are taking one step forward and two steps back. 

I started Provera nearly a month ago now thinking that Af would arrive within a few days of trying and we would be able to start Clomid by the end of the month. Of course, keeping with my body's unwillingness to cooperate, the Provera did not work at all. No spotting, no AF. My OB now has me taking BCP in hopes of inducing AF. I have sadly accepted the fact that there is no longer any possible way of finding out we are pregnant this year. 

We also got the results of Dh's SA and they were not great. We had assumed that the results would be fine considering how easy it was for us to get pregnant last time. Unfortunately the results came back with 7% morphology. According to the lab tech's notes, they consider 0-5% infertile, 6-12 % subfertile and above 12% to be normal. I am starting to feel like this is a bad joke.  Dh is going to redo the test in December to make sure it is accurate. 

In light of the aforementioned revelations, my OB has announced that he really can't help me anymore and offered me a referral to an RE clinic in the city. I was in such a daze at his office that I said I would go on the BCP and think about it. I have decided I might as well book the consultation as there is currently a 2 month wait just for that initial appointment. 

So, I am starting my BCP tonight and I am not particularly impressed with that! 

In retrospect...

I probably shouldn't have

• purchased maternity clothes in a sale last winter to wear in summer '08, because why would it take me longer that a couple months to get knocked up? 
• purchased a big sister shirt for my daughter... in a size she is almost grown out of at this point. 
• ensured that my entire summer '08 wardrobe consisted of loose empire and trapeze tops. Are you seeing a pattern here? 
• told everyone who asked that we would start trying before our daughter was two. 
• moved our daughter to her "big girl room" while I had some time off work last July so that the nursery would be ready to redecorate. Four months later, I am still not pregnant and I have a empty nursery still set up in our third bedroom. I can't bring myself to put it in storage.  
• Daydreamed about my quit date at work. A date that has come and gone and I am still working and not 36+ weeks pregnant like I envisioned either. 
• Spent hours researching double strollers. Our children will now be more than three years apart and we won't be needing one. 
• Asked our daughter if she wanted a brother or a sister. 

How I ended up here

I had a bad pregnancy with our daughter ending in a csection. Since my Dr and I were both adamant that an unplanned pregnancy would not be a good thing for me right away, he suggested Depo Provera. I was not worried about the long term affects of Depo because I had been on it for years before I was married and my cycles were completely normal with a couple months of coming of it. I was naively assuming that I would always be super fertile because of how quickly I got pregnant the first time. Looking back I have no idea why I did not think that using Depo as a short term solution wasn't the smartest idea. I blame the post partum hormones. 

Both my GP and my OB have told me that they don't believe that the Depo is the cause of my anovulation, but I am skeptical. Google "depo and infertility" and you will see that I am not the only previously fertile mom experiencing this unexplained infertility after using Depo. The other glaring fact is that I weigh less than a hundred pounds and am barely five feet tall....pretty much the size of an 12 year old. The fact that I am always given the same dose as an average size women (or man depending on the drug) scares me and has caused problems in the past with muscle relaxants and the like. I wonder if the Depo could take longer to wear off becuase of my size? 

So until someone can prove me wrong, I am blaming Depo.  I need to blame something to blame right now besides myself and this is the easiest choice. 

Losing faith...

I am starting this blog because I have nowhere else to vent...secondary infertility is turning out to be a very lonely place to be. I am trying to stay positive and be grateful for the sweet child I do have, but I feel like I am stuck in limbo. We can't move on with our lives while our family is incomplete! I desperately wish I had someone to commiserate with. My "mommy" friends have no idea what to say to me...they (like me 3 years ago) got pregnant as soon as they started trying. Women experiencing primary infertility all wonder why I am not just happy with one child because, well, it's more than they have (and I feel horrible about this!). I have searched for message boards relating to secondary infertility, but none seem to be active. So this is it...my hopes and fears as I try to get myself through this!