In retrospect...

I probably shouldn't have

• purchased maternity clothes in a sale last winter to wear in summer '08, because why would it take me longer that a couple months to get knocked up? 
• purchased a big sister shirt for my daughter... in a size she is almost grown out of at this point. 
• ensured that my entire summer '08 wardrobe consisted of loose empire and trapeze tops. Are you seeing a pattern here? 
• told everyone who asked that we would start trying before our daughter was two. 
• moved our daughter to her "big girl room" while I had some time off work last July so that the nursery would be ready to redecorate. Four months later, I am still not pregnant and I have a empty nursery still set up in our third bedroom. I can't bring myself to put it in storage.  
• Daydreamed about my quit date at work. A date that has come and gone and I am still working and not 36+ weeks pregnant like I envisioned either. 
• Spent hours researching double strollers. Our children will now be more than three years apart and we won't be needing one. 
• Asked our daughter if she wanted a brother or a sister. 

How I ended up here

I had a bad pregnancy with our daughter ending in a csection. Since my Dr and I were both adamant that an unplanned pregnancy would not be a good thing for me right away, he suggested Depo Provera. I was not worried about the long term affects of Depo because I had been on it for years before I was married and my cycles were completely normal with a couple months of coming of it. I was naively assuming that I would always be super fertile because of how quickly I got pregnant the first time. Looking back I have no idea why I did not think that using Depo as a short term solution wasn't the smartest idea. I blame the post partum hormones. 

Both my GP and my OB have told me that they don't believe that the Depo is the cause of my anovulation, but I am skeptical. Google "depo and infertility" and you will see that I am not the only previously fertile mom experiencing this unexplained infertility after using Depo. The other glaring fact is that I weigh less than a hundred pounds and am barely five feet tall....pretty much the size of an 12 year old. The fact that I am always given the same dose as an average size women (or man depending on the drug) scares me and has caused problems in the past with muscle relaxants and the like. I wonder if the Depo could take longer to wear off becuase of my size? 

So until someone can prove me wrong, I am blaming Depo.  I need to blame something to blame right now besides myself and this is the easiest choice. 

Losing faith...

I am starting this blog because I have nowhere else to vent...secondary infertility is turning out to be a very lonely place to be. I am trying to stay positive and be grateful for the sweet child I do have, but I feel like I am stuck in limbo. We can't move on with our lives while our family is incomplete! I desperately wish I had someone to commiserate with. My "mommy" friends have no idea what to say to me...they (like me 3 years ago) got pregnant as soon as they started trying. Women experiencing primary infertility all wonder why I am not just happy with one child because, well, it's more than they have (and I feel horrible about this!). I have searched for message boards relating to secondary infertility, but none seem to be active. So this is it...my hopes and fears as I try to get myself through this!